Do you have a leaky energy field?
The Kybalion has helped me figure out why empaths cannot create good boundaries.
As we head into the small days of winter it may seem to take more energy to do something than it would have done on a bright sunny day. It’s all the more important to think about our energy - what we are spending it on, so we can conserve it for when we need it most.
Conserving means saving, or spending deliberately and carefully. As I spoke to you last week about my walking, it’s plain that sometimes you do need to spend a little to get a whole lot back. And that’s an investment. We are used to thinking about saving money and investing money, however, seeing our energy as something we can save, and invest, could be new. Money has value to us, but does our energy? We must look at how we value our energy, and ourselves, if we want to conserve it better.
I recently facilitated a healing session where the martyr empath archetype came up. The martyr empath sacrifices themselves for others, to their own detriment. The deeper the pattern the more out of balance the person is, until they hang themselves on a proverbial cross, so to speak, for another person. In this case, the empath values the other person above themselves, placing little value on their own energy. Of course this comes with resentment too, because in essence we do know deep down that we have a value. But that’s a conversation for another day.
At the opposite end of the empathic scale lies the narcissist, the person who expects others to sacrifice themselves, for them. They place their own value above that of other people. Makes sense - especially when you see that empaths classically are attracted to narcissists - opposites attract, right?
Not feeling valued is one of the primary woundings of most lightworkers - experiencing a co-dependant relationship between an empath and narcissist is very common in the healing community. Many healers have a narcissistic parent/parents and as a child, therefore they do not grow up with an intrinsic knowledge of their own value. The narcissist inevitably treads all over their boundaries, and usurps their energy, embedding the limiting belief of a deep lack of self-worth. Wanting to ensure that someone never feels the same way as they did is the primary motivation for a wounded healer offering themselves up for service.
When we grow into adulthood this pattern is incredibly difficult to break and co-dependant relationships with lovers and partners ensue. The adult empath teaches their narcissistic partner that their behaviour is acceptable, because setting good strong boundaries is something they’ve never been taught how to do. In turn, the adult narcissist teaches the empath that they are not worthy of having what other, ‘normal’ people have. They dance together in this dynamic until the empath ends up dead on the cross (the martyr) or says ‘no more’.
With all this in mind, let’s go back to conservation, value and investment.
If you were saving water in a barrel, the first thing you would do is inspect the barrel for leaks before you would put any water into it. Logical, right? So in terms of this paradigm, the narcissist is the one that punches the holes in the empath’s ‘barrel’, and the empath allows it to happen, because that’s the pattern. These ‘holes’ could translate as actual tears in somebodies energy field, where energy leaks out. This then translates into the empath always being exhausted, giving away more than they have to give, whilst attracting many opportunistic energy vampires.
Repairing the tears and strengthening boundaries when you don’t feel worthy is very difficult work, but so important. Can you sit with the idea that you are in fact, valuable? You are just as valuable as anybody else. Maybe all your life you believed otherwise, but perhaps you can understand why, now. Let it all sink in for a while. It takes time to come into balance with a paradigm shift like this one. And if this is work you have already done, then I congratulate you for it. Take a moment to congratulate yourself, too.
If this is where you are, and you are struggling with it, you must take the time to ask yourself what is in the way. What is the fear you have around being well? It’s important to always start from here, to catch the resistance before it turns against you into self-sabotage. Okay, I have an answer for you, as to what the fear may be - try this one out for size, as the pendulum swings in both directions. You fear that if you value yourself too much, you’re going to turn into that narcissist that gave you your primary wounding. And that, is the worst possible thing that you can think of becoming. You would rather stay as you are, sacrificing your own energy, than hurt someone else the way that you have been hurt.
The law of rhythm is a hermetic principle: "Everything flows, out and in; everything has its tides; all things rise and fall; the pendulum-swing manifests in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates."--The Kybalion.
You are right to fear this. I hope hearing this helps. However, now I have made you aware of it, if you weren’t already before, you can make sure that it doesn’t ever happen. And if you’re not resonating with the martyr, or the narcissist, that’s okay too, they are extremes, residing at the polar ends of this attribute. You may be closer to the middle - if valuing your self was ever an issue for you it’s worth taking a moment to consider it.
So let’s get back to conserving energy!
If you’re able to, ask yourself gently - “Where am I investing my energy?’ Start getting used to seeing your energy as worthy of investment.
If you find it useful, you can ask yourself, ‘Where am I leaking energy?’ And then put some new, clearer boundaries in place.
Give yourself permission to believe that you do, indeed, have a value. And that not everybody gets to have a piece of you whenever they want it.
If you want to go further, understanding the difference between urgent, important, and ‘urgent and important’ is very useful. For example - ‘It’s urgent to you right now, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not important, so it can wait until tomorrow when I will have more energy.’ It’s a good boundary to recognise, and to keep. Also, there are ways to release the urgency around a thing, and after a period of time after doing this we usually discover it wasn’t actually important, or even urgent.
You don’t need to try to do this all at once. Simplify, and stay slow and deliberate, keeping your eyes wide open. Perhaps you might like to look at your automatic habits and self-conditioning too, (like my walking habit), because habits do seem to slip under the radar of our awareness and are a pathway for energy leakage. One thing at a time. But know that once you are aware of something, then already, it changes.
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So great to see this dynamic of empathic/ narcissist described so clearly..reading this helps me open a space,in me, for change. I am also considering the reversal, where narcissist is the light side and empathic the shadow side, as a wise woman once suggested! 😉
Really interesting. Quite brilliant actually!