A letter to my younger self

This letter is for all of us.

Art: Lucy Campbell

This is a letter to my younger self;
to the part of me that would come home upset from being bullied, excluded, unfriended…
That part of me that would open up the biscuit press and take out a brand new packet of chocolate digestives and eat the whole thing.
And then, she would feel sick in her tummy from what she had eaten, and forget about the reasons that made her eat in the first place.

This is a letter to younger me;
younger me who would be angry and want to punch her fist into the wall and didn’t have the wherewithal to do it,
so,
she went down to the biscuit press in the kitchen and found an open packet of chocolate biscuits and finish them and then would start a new one,
because, for some reason,
we always had at least three packets of chocolate biscuits in our biscuit press.

This is a letter to the part of me who would look in the mirror and hate herself with daggers coming out of her eyes at her own image, at her own reflection,
thinking how ugly and unloved that she was.

This is a letter to my younger self who cried and no one came and picked her up.
Who wanted to know if Mommy loved her and wasn’t really sure, even after Mommy said so a hundred thousand times,
and yet, she didn’t feel that love, she didn’t feel held, or safe.

There was a big empty space where that holding of parents was supposed to be.

This is a letter to the part of me that still feels that pain today.

When I look at my own children I’m so glad I’m here for them,
I have attained…so that they never have to feel the way that I did.

I look at my children now and see how healthy they are, how accomplished, how happy, and I know that anything that makes them unhappy is natural and good for them and growth enhancing.
And that they always have me to hold them and love them the way I was never loved as a child.

This letter is for you as well, all those parts of you that felt those things that I did.
This letter is for all of us, as we all go through our deep healing process,
As the frequencies of the sun change and force us to look at all these parts of ourselves,
pushes us into behaviours that we thought we had finished with,
behaviours that are coming through us as a result of these parts of us needing to be seen, and acknowledged and honoured.

So in this letter, I say to all these parts of me,

You are loved.
You are not disgusting,
or hateful,
or evil,
or nasty,
in any way.
You are doing your best, your absolute best.’
And look what happened!
I feel that I am living my best life now, and that’s because of you, never giving up.

What is a few hundred packets of chocolate biscuits compared to the love that you will feel for the world, for yourself, for possibility and for God.

Don’t give up.
Don’t give up.
Don’t give up.